In life, we face choices every day. Our life path is full of big and small decisions. Choosing a college, deciding to live alone or in a relationship, buying or renting an apartment, having children.... Sometimes certain paths in life are so beaten down that it seems we don't have to choose. Even without religion or a close family to give direction, most people follow the beaten pattern. Choosing is easy, because we don't realize that we have a choice at all. Only later do we develop doubts, regrets, or perhaps a desire to do things differently. And suddenly we find that we are on our own. What to choose? How to choose?
Making important decisions in life
Many important life decisions, such as choosing a college, a job or deciding to have a child, are made surprisingly easily. Parents recommend a particular field of study, we like the college town, we look for a job and apply to the first better ad. We're in a relationship, we're 30+ years old, so the baby fits in with expectations. Once we have a child (or two), it would be nice to have a house with a garden. And so we roll from one choice to another, almost without choosing. Because that's the way to do it, because that's the way to go.
But what if things don't work out so naturally? What if the studies we really want to take don't guarantee a job? What if we don't have a partner, but still want a child? What if the house of our dreams is too expensive?
Freedom of choice
Nowadays, people are no longer so attached to established patterns. Nevertheless, it is difficult to follow one's own path. In fact, we have the opportunity to change the direction of life at any time. We can redesign our life, give it a new shape. The choice is up to us. But how do we know what we want? It's not that simple. We always make choices based on incomplete information - we can't turn back time. We make choices by being at the beginning or in the middle of something. So we have to consciously start thinking about what we want. And why. From the question "why" (why do I live?) automatically come the questions "how" (how do I want to live?). Is it (just) a desire, or is there a will behind it?
In order to manage our lives, we must first realize, from a deep knowledge, desire and feeling, what it means to be human.
The certainties of human existence
Existential psychiatry distinguishes six preconditions that form the basis of human existence. We experience them as important, and our attitude towards them determines our vision of life. We confront these certainties every day. The first four were formulated by Yalom (1988), the other two are additive:
- The inevitability of death and the finiteness of ourselves and the people around us.
- Freedom and responsibility for shaping one's own life.
- Isolation and bonding (existential loneliness).
- Sense in the absence of sense or the meaning of life.
- Embodiment.
- Ignorance.
The inevitability of death
Our attitude to death is twofold. On the one hand, we know we are going to die; on the other, we don't feel it. If this awareness reaches us, the fear we feel can be paralyzing. Therefore, knowing about death, we keep it at bay, pushing it away. This applies both to our own death and the death of loved ones. Already the Stoics advised us to regularly consider mortality. This is to prevent over-reliance on ourselves and others. Death is a given. There is no point in worrying about it. The full realization that our lives end with death brings true wisdom and enriches life.
Freedom to shape your own life
Basically, we are free to organize our lives the way we want. In order to be able to make a difference in our lives, it is important for us to realize that we are in charge and that we ourselves have the power to give meaning to our lives. We are therefore the creators of our own existence, as French philosopher Jean-Paul Sartre (1905-1980) said. In order to allow this awareness to permeate, it is useful to look at the "here and now" independently of the past and future.
What are we doing now to shape our lives? If there are serious problems that prevent people from taking responsibility for their lives, schema therapy may be the solution. Schema therapy identifies the traps (schemas) that determine our lives and the way we sustain them with certain modes of behavior based on childhood experiences.
Isolation and bonding (existential loneliness)
In addition to existential loneliness, or the realization that we must always live separately from others, there are two other forms of isolation: interpersonal and intrapersonal. Interpersonal isolation is experienced when we feel lonely or isolated due to a lack of close social contacts. Intrapersonal isolation occurs when there is a disconnect between, for example, an emotion and the memory of the event that triggered it. In its extreme form, it can lead to multiple personality.
People who cannot tolerate existential loneliness sometimes seek a solution in symbiosis or fusion with another person. Unfortunately, this does not lead to a stronger self, but only to weaker boundaries with the other person. True love, unlike falling in love, can provide a bridge to others. Love is the recognition and acknowledgment of the other person to whom we give our love. It is a way of being in which we emphasize not only the other person's individuality, but also our own. This fact can provide support in enduring existential loneliness and be very comforting.
Meaning in the absence of meaning or the meaning of life
Life is inherently meaningless. Realizing this is important because we ourselves can, and indeed must, give our lives meaning and significance. When we feel that our lives are meaningless and purposeless, we feel lost and alienated. What sense does it all make? We crave control, we seek guidance. So we look for the meaning of things. We are somehow programmed in such a way that we order everything that happens. We make life a story, an adventure. "Coincidence does not exist". - we say. If we weren't selected for a second interview, the job wouldn't be fun anyway. We hide behind the platitude: "this is how it was supposed to be." And we still see a predetermined intention in absolute randomness.
A sense of meaninglessness in itself, rather than a need to control life, can also mean that we dare to celebrate freedom. We can give meaning to our lives ourselves. Nothing is predestined, nothing is fixed. We create our lives ourselves. In addition, we must learn to tolerate a certain degree of uncertainty. This is essential when making life choices.
How to choose?
In order to dare to make a conscious decision, it is important that we look for possible inner conflicts based on an examination of our own consciousness. Here we meet with ourselves and are curious about what is going on inside us. What do we desire? Is there another desire behind the desire? Do we think we want a new job, but we actually want to go in a different direction and therefore need to look for a new career? Do we want a child even though we don't have a partner? Perhaps hidden in the desire for a child is the desire for a partner.
The process involves at least three steps:
- Take responsibility.
- Explore your options.
- Examine your desires and the resulting will.
Desire is the will
Every action begins with the will to do something. To do it, we must have a clear desire. So a good focus is very important. In this way we literally sharpen our desire. It also means that we have to think carefully about whether it is our own desire, or whether we think it should be. We need to be able to really feel our desire. We do this by inner listening (a principle noted and developed by Eugene Gendlin).
"Inner listening" means that we pay attention not only to our words, the language in which we express our desire, but also to our body. How do we feel about it? What physical sensations do we notice in ourselves? We listen to ourselves without judgment. We give attention and words to our inner voice with curiosity and respect. What is that knot in the stomach? That feeling of emptiness? That uneasiness in the chest? If we give space to everything we experience internally by focusing or meditating on our desire, we can truly listen to ourselves. In this way, we learn to trust ourselves. We combine feeling, knowing and wanting. We shape our desire from within ourselves. It may be a desire we thought we had, or a new desire. Our body shows the way.
In this process, we must also consider other options. What do we notice when we make a different choice? In addition to focusing on the desire and listening internally, there is also an opportunity to see if we really want something. We can visualize our life choices. What will our life look like if we choose one? What image comes to our mind when we choose the other?
Thus, to transform desire into will, it is necessary:
- focus,
- internal listening,
- visualization.
Then we can ask ourselves if we really want it. Along with everything that comes with it. Everything we know and what we don't know (yet).
Let your unconscious participate
The thought process we describe here is based on a high level of consciousness and active use of the brain. It is sometimes said that you have to let your unconscious make a choice. Dijksterhuis (2016) distinguishes three ways of choosing:
- fast,
- unaware,
- Aware.
A quick choice is a choice without thinking, just "do it." The unconscious way assumes that when making an important choice, it is better to sleep on it so that our unconscious can work. If the choice still seems good, then it is the right choice. The conscious way involves a lot of thinking. Dijksterhuis seems to limit himself here to a rational decision, which can be made by making lists of pros and cons, for and against our choice.
Studies show that there is much in favor of the unconscious way. But buying a new car is different from choosing a specific study and all that goes with it. A combination of both ways can work. We consciously think about a life choice, but sleep through it to see if we're still behind our choice in the morning. Or we start with an unconscious choice and then consciously work it out. Do we still agree with it and does it still seem good?
A common thread in your life
When making important life decisions, it can sometimes also be helpful to look at how we got to the point in life where we are now. What experiences led to this point? How did we become the person we are today? How have we made choices in our lives so far? It's worth unraveling the common thread of our lives. Maybe we will see what we have always done and what we no longer want to do? Or maybe we will realize that our past choices have led us to where we want to be and we can trust them? To discover the theme of our lives, we can focus on the patterns and red threads in our lives. This can bring a lot of peace and clarity if we are facing an important decision.
Help with the inner search
The internal search we have described here can be undertaken on our own. Often this is successful, especially if we can consult friends. Other times we need more. Then we need someone to accompany and observe us. Then it's worth knowing that we can turn to a psychotherapist for help. At the end of the day, it's about taking responsibility so that we don't get stuck in the uncertainty of a decision, but dare to choose what we want.
What do you want?
If the will is strong enough, it is the driving force for choice or change. It doesn't mean that everything will work out, but at least something will happen. Ultimately, choice always means loss. Choosing one thing means losing another. But if we've thought it through carefully, if we feel it's the right choice, then our knowledge, feelings and desires must align. We can then at least say to ourselves that we made a conscious life choice with the information we had available to us at the time.
Maybe we could live a different life. Of course we could. But we live our own life. We give it meaning in our own way, on our own terms, with our own capabilities. If we make a conscious choice, we can let go of the unchosen option. It is what it is. The choice we made gives direction, meaning. From it come values, experiences and events. And this is what makes our life unique. Life can be lived. Everyone does it in their own way. Ultimately, we are only human beings among humans. This fact is humbling and at the same time the most beautiful thing we can experience. It is what it is. And this is good.